Return of the Twichick: In a Funky Moon Shadow Part Two

Sorry for the break.  Here is the next installment in the saga of bad relationship choices made by Bella Swan.  

SPOILER ALERT!!! SPOILER ALERT!!! SPOILER ALERT!!! SPOILER ALERT!!!

[Rosalie to Bella:] "You have the choice that I didn't have, and you're choosing wrong." (7.108)

This seems to be the repeated line from just about everyone throughout the book.  To this I have two questions: Why is everyone surprised?  Why doesn't Bella learn from her mistakes?

In the later part of the book while Jasper is training the other vampires/werewolves to fight against newborn vampires (who are running amuck thanks to Victoria's plan to start a war in Bella's backyard with the sole purpose of killing Bella) we learn more of Jasper's back story.  

Jasper was turned into a vampire during the Civil War by Maria, a she-vamp, who actually liked him for his military prowess.  Under her direction he trained an army of vampires to attack other armies of vampires under the guise of the Civil War. (An interesting side note: in Stephenie Meyer's universe, most major wars in history were just vampire wars that developed into human wars.  I thought this was a creative side note and was mildly impressed with Stephenie Meyer's writing... for once.) Anyways, the basis of Maria's army was that she would only have "Newborns" (i.e. new vampires under a year of age) in her army.  After a year the  newborn side affect would wear off and she gave Jasper the grizzly task of killing the no longer newborns.  Maria was an efficient but merciless general.  

Anyways, Jasper grew attached to one of the newborns and left before Maria could have them both killed.  For a long time he wandered until he stepped into a bar one day to get out of the rain.  There sat Alice (who I may or may not have mentioned has the gift of foresight) and she said, "Well sir, you've certainly kept me waiting long enough."  He apologized and they have been together ever since.  

On the opposite end of the scale we get to hear some of the background of the werewolves.   Apparently many eons ago a vampire came to town and some of the male Quilette were magically  turned into wolves.  This didn't really surprise them for whatever reason and the wolf Quilettes ate the vampire.  Shortly thereafter, a she vampire rolled into town.  The beauty of the vampire woman causes some of the villagers to worship her. They obviously believe her to be good. Stupid people.  (Then again, Bella had the same idea when she met Edward.) Unfortunately she fought back and managed to kill lots of people.  She was just about the kill the Indian chief when his wife stuck a knife in her gut to distract the she-vamp (why is everything so dramatic in this book) long enough for the wolf-chieftain to regain his footing and eat the she-vamp.  And then the good wife died.  Billy Black (the current chieftain and Jacob's dad) said "Only... if a cold one was near, would the wolves return." (11.120)

And now we know why there are vampires and werewolves and why there is bad blood between them (pun intended) even way before Bella came in to screw with all their hormones and emotions.  

Before the battle Bella tells Jacob, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" (15.11) which I think translates to, "it's not you- it's me... but I still want you around."  Cause ya know, she's got to have a back up plan in case one of the werewolves decides to snack on Edward.  Bella  continues to whine that Edward won't turn her into a vampire and Edward finally gives in on the condition that she marry him first.  This is odd because Bella must be the first girl in the history of the world (and certainly Twilight fandom) that REALLY doesn't want to marry Edward.  

"Matrimony. I made it sound like a dirty word." (20.67)

Enter the twilight zone. (yeah, I know, I've been saving that for four blog posts now.) Edward continues to fight for Bella's virtue even as she tries to hurtle it out the window.  Jacob continues waiting outside the window and panting like a dog and waiting for Bella to  change her mind... again.  

During the pre-battle montage while everyone (the good vamps, the werewolves, and Bella) is preparing for battle against Victoria and her army, Stephenie Meyer makes a nice big snowstorm occur where Bella gets cold and is forced to share a sleeping bag with Jacob (who is one hot wolf) and leaving Edward feeling more than a little awkward.  Jacob and Edward talk while Bella sleeps.  Edward says that Jacob can give Bella children which he cannot.  He wants to share Bella with Jacob so that she'll continue to live and not be a vampire.  For once Jacob seems to be thinking and almost throws up at the idea.  Then Edward is genuinely shocked when Bella is offended.  

[Jacob to Edward:] "What if she wants me to [kiss her]?" "If that's what she wants, then I won't object." Edward shrugged, untroubled. (22.178)

Later Edward asks Bella to marry him, right before the battle, and she finally accepts.  Then Edward "accidentally" tells Jacob who runs off in a hissy fit as Bella chases after him, running away from her fiance all of five minutes since their engagement. Jacob wants to go die in the battle and Bella asks him to kiss her goodbye (while all the sane minded people scream "SHE IS STILL USING YOU!") Jacob tells Bella that "[Edward] is a better manipulator than I am." (26.144) and walks off.  He doesn't seem to angry with the fact that Bella is being manipulated... just that Edward is better at it than Jacob is.  And once again I threw the book across the room.

They fight the battle, Jacob gets hurt, Edward kills Victoria just as Bella cuts her hand to distract Victoria (like the good-wife in the Quilette story) and for the most part everyone is okay.  The Volturi show up after the battle to remind everyone that they are still there, lurking, and waiting to pounce on the Cullens should they ever screw up (FORESHADOWMENT! FORESHADOWMENT! FORESHADOWMENT!) and then dissapear again.  

Bella doesn't worry to much about the much ailing Jacob and decides now is as good a time as any to tell her Father that she's getting married.

"It's a good thing you're bulletproof... It's time to tell Charlie." (27.191)

Again, I like Charlie.   

And that would be the end of the story, with Edward winning the love triangle, Jacob writhing in pain at the hands of Doctor Carlisle, and Bella preening in the pre-nuptial glow... except there is an Epilogue (DARN YOU EPILOGUE!)

Leah tells Jacob,"I don't even like Bella Swan. And you've got me grieving over this leech-lover like I'm in love with her too." (Epilogue.15) And we all cringe for the last installment of the Twilight books... cause of course it couldn't be nearly as cheesy as the first three... right?