Return of the Twichick: In a Funky Moon Shadow Part Two

Sorry for the break.  Here is the next installment in the saga of bad relationship choices made by Bella Swan.  

SPOILER ALERT!!! SPOILER ALERT!!! SPOILER ALERT!!! SPOILER ALERT!!!

[Rosalie to Bella:] "You have the choice that I didn't have, and you're choosing wrong." (7.108)

This seems to be the repeated line from just about everyone throughout the book.  To this I have two questions: Why is everyone surprised?  Why doesn't Bella learn from her mistakes?

In the later part of the book while Jasper is training the other vampires/werewolves to fight against newborn vampires (who are running amuck thanks to Victoria's plan to start a war in Bella's backyard with the sole purpose of killing Bella) we learn more of Jasper's back story.  

Jasper was turned into a vampire during the Civil War by Maria, a she-vamp, who actually liked him for his military prowess.  Under her direction he trained an army of vampires to attack other armies of vampires under the guise of the Civil War. (An interesting side note: in Stephenie Meyer's universe, most major wars in history were just vampire wars that developed into human wars.  I thought this was a creative side note and was mildly impressed with Stephenie Meyer's writing... for once.) Anyways, the basis of Maria's army was that she would only have "Newborns" (i.e. new vampires under a year of age) in her army.  After a year the  newborn side affect would wear off and she gave Jasper the grizzly task of killing the no longer newborns.  Maria was an efficient but merciless general.  

Anyways, Jasper grew attached to one of the newborns and left before Maria could have them both killed.  For a long time he wandered until he stepped into a bar one day to get out of the rain.  There sat Alice (who I may or may not have mentioned has the gift of foresight) and she said, "Well sir, you've certainly kept me waiting long enough."  He apologized and they have been together ever since.  

On the opposite end of the scale we get to hear some of the background of the werewolves.   Apparently many eons ago a vampire came to town and some of the male Quilette were magically  turned into wolves.  This didn't really surprise them for whatever reason and the wolf Quilettes ate the vampire.  Shortly thereafter, a she vampire rolled into town.  The beauty of the vampire woman causes some of the villagers to worship her. They obviously believe her to be good. Stupid people.  (Then again, Bella had the same idea when she met Edward.) Unfortunately she fought back and managed to kill lots of people.  She was just about the kill the Indian chief when his wife stuck a knife in her gut to distract the she-vamp (why is everything so dramatic in this book) long enough for the wolf-chieftain to regain his footing and eat the she-vamp.  And then the good wife died.  Billy Black (the current chieftain and Jacob's dad) said "Only... if a cold one was near, would the wolves return." (11.120)

And now we know why there are vampires and werewolves and why there is bad blood between them (pun intended) even way before Bella came in to screw with all their hormones and emotions.  

Before the battle Bella tells Jacob, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" (15.11) which I think translates to, "it's not you- it's me... but I still want you around."  Cause ya know, she's got to have a back up plan in case one of the werewolves decides to snack on Edward.  Bella  continues to whine that Edward won't turn her into a vampire and Edward finally gives in on the condition that she marry him first.  This is odd because Bella must be the first girl in the history of the world (and certainly Twilight fandom) that REALLY doesn't want to marry Edward.  

"Matrimony. I made it sound like a dirty word." (20.67)

Enter the twilight zone. (yeah, I know, I've been saving that for four blog posts now.) Edward continues to fight for Bella's virtue even as she tries to hurtle it out the window.  Jacob continues waiting outside the window and panting like a dog and waiting for Bella to  change her mind... again.  

During the pre-battle montage while everyone (the good vamps, the werewolves, and Bella) is preparing for battle against Victoria and her army, Stephenie Meyer makes a nice big snowstorm occur where Bella gets cold and is forced to share a sleeping bag with Jacob (who is one hot wolf) and leaving Edward feeling more than a little awkward.  Jacob and Edward talk while Bella sleeps.  Edward says that Jacob can give Bella children which he cannot.  He wants to share Bella with Jacob so that she'll continue to live and not be a vampire.  For once Jacob seems to be thinking and almost throws up at the idea.  Then Edward is genuinely shocked when Bella is offended.  

[Jacob to Edward:] "What if she wants me to [kiss her]?" "If that's what she wants, then I won't object." Edward shrugged, untroubled. (22.178)

Later Edward asks Bella to marry him, right before the battle, and she finally accepts.  Then Edward "accidentally" tells Jacob who runs off in a hissy fit as Bella chases after him, running away from her fiance all of five minutes since their engagement. Jacob wants to go die in the battle and Bella asks him to kiss her goodbye (while all the sane minded people scream "SHE IS STILL USING YOU!") Jacob tells Bella that "[Edward] is a better manipulator than I am." (26.144) and walks off.  He doesn't seem to angry with the fact that Bella is being manipulated... just that Edward is better at it than Jacob is.  And once again I threw the book across the room.

They fight the battle, Jacob gets hurt, Edward kills Victoria just as Bella cuts her hand to distract Victoria (like the good-wife in the Quilette story) and for the most part everyone is okay.  The Volturi show up after the battle to remind everyone that they are still there, lurking, and waiting to pounce on the Cullens should they ever screw up (FORESHADOWMENT! FORESHADOWMENT! FORESHADOWMENT!) and then dissapear again.  

Bella doesn't worry to much about the much ailing Jacob and decides now is as good a time as any to tell her Father that she's getting married.

"It's a good thing you're bulletproof... It's time to tell Charlie." (27.191)

Again, I like Charlie.   

And that would be the end of the story, with Edward winning the love triangle, Jacob writhing in pain at the hands of Doctor Carlisle, and Bella preening in the pre-nuptial glow... except there is an Epilogue (DARN YOU EPILOGUE!)

Leah tells Jacob,"I don't even like Bella Swan. And you've got me grieving over this leech-lover like I'm in love with her too." (Epilogue.15) And we all cringe for the last installment of the Twilight books... cause of course it couldn't be nearly as cheesy as the first three... right?

Twichick Revisited: In a Funky Moon Shadow Part One

While I have never professed to "like" any of the Twilight books, I do believe that Eclipse is my absolute least favorite for a myriad of reasons- foremost on this list would be Bella, Bella's irrational behavior, Bella's ability to manipulate people, and Bella's complete disregard for anyone else.  Bella is my worst nightmare because somewhere out there, far from the maddening eyes of my blog, young girls are seeing Bella as their role model, their ideal, and frighteningly enough, they want to be like her when they grow up.  And so I begin my latest installment of book review with the feeble hope that maybe I can stop at least one young girl from idolizing this character.  

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!! SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!! SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!

Recap from New Moon, the last book-  starts shortly after Bella's returned from Italy, where in the last book she flew to save Edward's life because the "stunningly beautiful god" can't manage to pick up a phone.  Once she and Edward are reunited and the Volturi conveniently find out that Bella knows their uber secretive secret, Edward promises (under duress) to make Bella become a vampire. Then Alice, Edward, and Bella fly back to the land of cold and rain where Bella is immediately grounded, Jacob stops speaking to her, and everyone is mad at her.  (Gee, I wonder why everyone would be mad that she flies around the world to put herself in imminent danger against the wishes/knowledge of her closest friends and family?  It's a toss up... but it might improve the story?) 

Anyways, Eclipse starts out with Bella once again using Jacob as a crutch.  Edward is her undying love- I mean he has her undying love- but he's also undying- unless of course Jacob decides to transmogrify into a werewolf and chomp-chomp-chomp Edward's tawny colored head.  Then Edward might be dead... and not just undead!  But I digress- Edward is her dead love but Jacob is her best friend.  (Please note: it is almost impossible and highly illogical to have a best friend who is a guy, especially if he is in love with you.  It's just not fair to your bff and your bf.)

Edward and his family realize that Victoria is searching for Bella in order to kill Edward's love just as Edward killed Victoria's love (gasp! I didn't realize that vampires were a vengeful bunch!) Edward ended James, in the first book after he tried to kidnap Bella, eat her, and then turn her into a vampire. Needless to say, he was unsuccessful  In order to keep her safe Edward takes Bella to visit her mother in Florida (cause ya know, the big shiney guy won't stick out in the Keys because everyone there is already sparkly.)  

When they return Jacob gets over his sulking long enough to tell Bella why Edward really took her to Florida, i.e. to hide her while Edward's family searches for Victoria.  They were unsuccessful.  

Edward to Jacob: "Do you really think hurting [Bella] is better than protecting her?" (3.188)

Bella is, somewhat understandably, upset, but not because Edward lied to her, but rather because one of the peaceful Vampire clan might have gotten hurt.  (To be fair, both are valid reasons to be angry but she never addresses the fact that Edward is treating her like an infant... even though, well you know... she sort of acts like one.)

Jacob to Bella: "Who needs friends?" (3.221) What Jacob really means to say with his question is, "I need you as a friend; don't you need me?" What does his roundabout way of manipulating Bella say about their relationship.

Bella and Jacob makeup, much to the chagrin of Edward who realizes that Jacob is still in love with Bella, and much to the joy of Charlie who is surprisingly happy at this discovery. (Apparently Charlie likes Edward as much as I do but still I feel for Edward who has a girlfriend who just DOESN'T GET IT!) Edward doesn't trust the werewolves (with Bella's safety or her honor) and doesn't believe that Bella will be safe in their company.  He asks her to not go to the tribal grounds anymore, largely because according to an ancient treaty with the Quilette (Jacob's tribe) the Cullens may not go on their ground in exchange for the werewolves not eating the Cullens for breakfast.  (Mmmmm... rock candy.)  "With a sense of astonishment, I realized that Jacob looked dangerous to them. How odd." (3.147)  (I repeat, Bella just doesn't get it.)

Edward bribes Alice with a fancy race car (the same car she stole in Italy in the last book) to keep Bella busy while he hunts.  Lest we forget, Edward is still a vampire and needs to hunt wild animals or he will lose control and might eat something... or someone. (I think this was just a random plot device provided by Stephenie Meyer to throw Bella back into Jacob's arms.  It is kind of sad when even the author cannot decide who she wants the *cough cough* "heroine" to be with.  Next time I recommend that Edward stock up on some bagged blood from Carlisle at the hospital.) Bella is annoyed and rather than talk it out with Edward, she does exactly what everyone tells her not to do and runs off with Jacob, much to the annoyance of Alice and the horror of Edward.  (Right, what a nice HEALTHY relationship.)

While visiting the Quilette Bella discovers that there are more wolves than the last time she was there. Some treat her as a friend, because, hey, she's still the same old, ridiculously shallow Bella.  Some treat her badly because a) she's dating a vampire, the sworn enemy of the Quilette, b) she wants to become a vampire, and I think the best reason, c) she chose Edward over Jacob.  (This last one is the reasoning behind multiple teenage girl fights in any universe proving that most of Twilight's drama is not centered around vampires and werewolves.)  Jacob thinks that he can change Bella's mind about Edward and convince her that she actually loves Jacob.  Albeit a reasonable assumption cause, let's face it, Bella is very easily swayed.  So he kisses her.  You may imagine the repercussions.  Now that you're done with that let me explain.  She slugs him.  He doesn't feel it (Bella hits like a girl), Edward tries to kill him, Charlie steps in to keep the hormones in check, and Bella breaks her hand (so she hits like an incompetent girl.)

Somewhere in this storyline we get to hear all the vampire's back story.

Carlisle was born in the time of Cromwell and spent much of his youth trying to kill vampires.  Ususally they were innocent people who the mob tortured to death but on one occasion Carlisle found one and was attacked.  He spent his long life trying to do good in order to redeem himself before God.  That is how he became a doctor.  

Several hundred years later he found Edward, dying of the scarlet fever in America.  Edward's mother could tell Carlisle was something different (distinguishing herself as the one human to ever notice that Carlisle was cold to the touch) and begged Carlisle to save her son.  She died and a few minutes later Carlisle turned Edward, thus saving him from the fever.  (Ironic isn't it- he's dying from burning up so Carlisle cooled him down.)

Esme tried to commit suicide by jumping off a cliff after her baby died (nothing is ever said of her husband/the baby's father) and some do gooders brought her to Carlisle.  He didn't want to see her die so he transformed her too.

Emmett came into being after Rosalie found him, half mauled to death by bears in the forest. He had been hunting them and so was Rosalie.  She carried him home and asked Carlisle to save him because she didn't think she had the strength to do it herself.  (Notice the running theme of people being brought to Carlisle for help and him "saving them" by biting them into the afterlife?)

Rosalie's story might be the most interesting because it explains why she hates Bella so much. Apparently once upon a time a hundred years before, Rosalie was the belle of the ball (or something like it) in a small town. Everyone loved her because she was beautiful. Her best friend got married and had a baby. Rosalie realized that the only thing that she DIDN'T have in her glamorous young life was a baby.  How do you get baby?  You get married. So she set her sights on the most eligible man in town, who also just happened to be extremely wealthy.  Unfortunately for her he was also voted "most likely to gang rape his fiance and leave her for dead in the night." When Carlisle found her, Rosalie was close to death, so he tried to save her. Rosalie's first actions as vampire was to track down and murder the five men who hurt her and left in the street, never drinking their blood. Carlisle turned a blind eye even though he didn't like her killing; he had hoped that Rosalie and Edward would get together, but Edward showed good taste.

GASP! A CLIFFHANGER! Yeah, I know, I'm losing my touch.  No worries, I'll be back later to finish this, but it's too long for one sitting... at least I think so.  Stay tuned for Return of the Twichick: In a Funky Moon Shadow part 2.

Valentine's Day Stories

For the first time in I don't want to say how long, I spent all of Valentine's Day not dwelling on the fact that it was Valentine's Day and I was alone. I went to Mass and completely missed the fact that there was a reason Fr. Pedro was speaking on love. I spent the morning at one of our rental properties where two of our workmen talked about their plans for later that day. I went to the grocery store and was honestly surprised at how many people were waiting in line with flowers in their hands.  (I did laugh out loud at the woman with a life size Spiderman balloon.) I went to work at the parish and was really quite pleasant all day without feeling jealous of the married women who were shuffling chocolate and flowers around on their desks.  All in all, it was a good day.

Then I got off from work and I couldn't escape the text messages, the saccharine love songs on the radio, the balloons and cards at yet ANOTHER grocery store, and then I sighed... and thought of last year's Valentine's Day.

Last year Tia and I were making french onion soup... lots of it. We ended up cutting up about eighty pounds of onions.  Our faces were purple, tears were streaming out of ours, we were choked up, our hair and clothes were a mess, and snot was running out of our noses; we were a sight.  And then the doorbell rang.

Tia only had to look at me to know what I was going to do but before she could stop me I was running for the door.  There stood our mailman, holding our live butterfly larvae in a box, and staring, mouth agape, at my appearance.  I choked out the words (still crying), "We're watching Pride and Prejudice and Mr. Darcy just pronounced his undying love!"  He nodded slowly, as if unsure if he should stay and comfort me or drop the larvae and run.

His indecision was long enough that Tia came up behind me. Her appearance didn't help his uneasiness but her words did. Tia told the poor mailman that we were making french onion soup and had been cutting up onions for an hour.  He nodded slowly again, handed her the larvae and left, leaving me in fits of giggles.  Tia didn't find it nearly as funny as I did as I ran through other things I could have said out loud.

"...Romeo just died..."
"...Tom Hanks just found Meg Ryan..."
"...Rhett Butler just told Scarlet O'Hara that he doesn't give a damn..."
"...Wesley and Buttercup found their happy ending..."
"...Johnny Depp just took his shirt off..."

Now that was a good Valentines Day.

"Let My Memory Always Remind You There Is a Better Life"

It is rare for me to publish other peoples writing in  my blog.  I frequently quote what others say but it is unusual for me to publish something that has already been published. That being said, this is one of the few letters that I find so loving, so moving, so ethereal, and sadly, unheard, that I feel it is necessary to bring it to the world's attention again.  

I first heard this letter when I was in university.  A priest read it out loud during one of his homilies and I was so impressed that I started crying.  Later I wrote to him and requested to know the source.  Not for the first time I was in love with a dead poet.  

Provincial prison of Jaen, October 1, 1936

My dearest Maruja:

Your memory will remain with me to the grave and, as long as the slightest throb stirs my heart, it will beat for love of you. God has deemed fit to sublimate these worldly affections, ennobling them when we love each other in him. Though in my final days, God is my light and what I long for, this does not mean that the recollection of the one dearest to me will not accompany me until the hour of my death.

I am assisted by many priests who -- what a sweet comfort -- pour out the treasures of grace into my soul, strengthening it. I look death in the eye and, believe my words, it does not daunt me or make me afraid.

My sentence before the court of mankind will be my soundest defense before God's court; in their effort to revile me, they have ennobled me; in trying to sentence me, they have absolved me, and by attempting to lose me, they have saved me. Do you see what I mean? Why, of course! Because in killing me, they grant me true life and in condemning me for always upholding the highest ideals of religion, country and family, they swing open before me the doors of heaven.

My body will be buried in a grave in this cemetery of Jaen; while I am left with only a few hours before that definitive repose, allow me to ask but one thing of you: that in memory of the love we shared, which at this moment is enhanced, that you would take on as your primary objective the salvation of your soul. In that way, we will procure our reuniting in heaven for all eternity, where nothing will separate us.

Goodbye, until that moment, then, dearest Maruja! Do not forget that I am looking at you from heaven, and try to be a model Christian woman, since, in the end, worldly goods and delights are of no avail if we do not manage to save our souls.

My thoughts of gratitude to all your family and, for you, all my love, sublimated in the hours of death. Do not forget me, my Maruja, and let my memory always remind you there is a better life, and that attaining it should constitute our highest aspiration.

Be strong and make a new life; you are young and kind, and you will have God's help, which I will implore upon you from his kingdom. Goodbye, until eternity, then, when we shall continue to love each other for life everlasting.

 This letter was published in November 2007 when Bartolomé Blanco Márquez was beatified. He wrote Maruja the day before he was executed for being a Catholic leader on October 2, 1936.  He was executed at age 21, while he cried out, “Long live Christ the King!” I cannot speak to what happened to Maruja. I hope that she realized how very much he loved her, by a man who will someday be a saint.

Love- Hidden in Plain Sight

It's February.  Although the Calendar might have been a good indicator of the month I was first alerted to it's presence when the Christmas decorations came down and were immediately replaced by pink and red, frilly, lacy hearts in various sizes all emblazoned with the oh-so-original term of endearment, "I love you."  I found myself musing as I passed these boxes of chocolates, overstuffed bears, and an assortment of other things at the grocery store and considered that perhaps the pushers of romance would make far more if they added on the helpful words of, "I don't know what it is I did, but I'm really sorry." Better yet, why not add a sonnet worthy of Shakespeare- cause really, guys that are only reminded of Valentine's Day because they have to go to the grocery store, really ought not celebrate it at all and instead say that in the spirit of real love and not ambitious consumerism, men ought to instead celebrate February 15th in the interest of frugality.  

One might assume that my disenchantment with Valentine's day is because I am a cynic- it's been a while since I was in any kind of relationship and I have seen more of the worst aspects of them since I graduated than I would care to admit.  Of course it might include my childhood fear of a short, winged fellow (escaped from a nudist colony) running around with  a healthy interest in archery.  Seeing as I don't much care for the Christmas season being terminated in the interest of the next profitable holiday, it would be fair to ignore me all together, and indeed that might be the healthiest option.  Nonetheless, this time of year usually brings out the philosopher in me.  

There was a time in my life when I believed that love could not exist in the human nature, but only with God.  The more I have studied Theology the more I realize this to be true.  I can see that God is nothing if not love and it is only through His love that anyone can truly love someone else. As much as I have seen flighty romance and frivolous lust that masquerades as love, I have the living testament of my grandparents, godparents, and parents to prove that love can exist, love does exist, and, in spite of every fallen part of our nature, love still exists.  Saint Paul wrote in is infamous letter to the Corinthians,

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.⁸ Love never fails.

Quite possibly the most famous quote about love in the Bible (and more than likely, ever) it is also a popular reading for weddings.  Most people can quote it by heart and I have heard it beautifully written in song.  Everyone remembers 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, but how many people remember verses 1 through 3?

¹ If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

<sup>I admit that I quite enjoy this quote.  I've been reading the first part all my life because it was read at my parent's wedding.  Then, at their 25th anniversary Mass, as I sat, filled with apprehension, waiting to read the same Bible verse that they had celebrated with years before, that I found the preceding lines.  And I was amazed.  How much do we miss when we do not love?  How blind are we look with love?  How deaf when we do not hear with love?  And it finally occurred to me that this passage is not intended to be about a man and a woman, but about every man and every woman.  From what I understand this passage is about each individual loving every other individual as Christ did.  

Did I really just say that?  Am I supposed to love every person I come across? Am I supposed to treat them with kindness and patience?  Should I really try to understand where they are coming from or going?  Then I look at Christ and realize that He would have and He did and He still does.</sup>  I'm sure everyone has an opinion on what is the greatest love story ever told, and maybe they might have valid arguments, but really, they would be wrong.  The greatest love story ever told is the one that is hardly ever told.  It has been written "there is no greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friend."  Who better than Christ to display this gesture of love?  What greater gift is there that never ceases to give?  

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another." John 13:34

Perhaps it is because this love from God- this never ending, all consuming, keeps the world turning, died on a Cross with His blood seeping into the ground- is too much love?  We don't love ourselves enough to accept this great love and so we have to relegate ourselves to a limited, far more understandable love- the kind with candy hearts and stuffed bears. If love were truly represented on Valentine's Day, there would be broken chains, and glorified martyrs, and crosses.  Love is all around but what is obvious to all will never be found.  Love is hidden in plain sight.  

And that is why, it is so important to show our love everyday.  Because how pathetic would it be that the last person you say, "I love you" to, is the One who died for you?

Ever the Romantic

I do no believe in love at first sight.  Oh sure, I'm a sucker for a good Romantic Comedy and I read at least one Jane Austen book a year, but really, who actually believes that you can tell just by looking at someone that he will be your happily ever after?

I do not believe in true love's first kiss.  I believe that kissing is amazing and I wouldn't mind finding someone to experiment this with a little more in depth, but I don't believe in the healing powers of a kiss- or the importance of a first kiss, although I did read an interesting article in college concerning allergies being alleviated by extensive osculation.  I may never forgive my roommate for introducing me to that one... particularly when it comes time for Cedar Season in Texas.

I do not believe that there is only one opportunity for love in this life.  I could cite my grandparents as proof.  Both were happily and devotedly married in their twenties when tragedy struck and they were both widowed with four small children.  Then they met, were married, and had two more little blessings, bringing the headcount to twelve in their household.  Moreover, I believe there to be a great many kinds of love.

I believe that I am loved.  I believe that driving someone crazy is a surefire sign of affection.  I believe giving someone unsolicited advice is also a sign of endearment.  Requiring someone's opinion to make a decision would also follow this logic.

I believe that I love.  I would walk through a rain of fire, shrapnel, and bullets for the people that I love.  I would also walk through a similar sort of hell fire to get away from some of the people I love.  If you question either statement join me at one of my family reunions.

I believe that someday I might understand love.  I know that I do not yet.  I believe that it is love that makes my family and some of my friends worry for my happiness.  I admit that this is occasionally a concern of mine as well, but I do not believe that anyone should lose sleep over it.  I know that love exist.  I know that I am currently loved.  I know that I will continue to live and love as God sees fit.  Some days I wonder if I will always be single- and if I will turn out like the dear old maids from Arsenic and Old Lace.  I hope that someday I will find a man who can love me for everything that I am not, but I would rather die alone than settle for anything less than the love I already feel.

I believe that God loves me for who I am.  I believe that God wants me to be happy.  I believe that if God wants me to fall in love then I will and if He does not wish it that I will get a dog.  I believe that God has a plan and that incessant worry will not hurry any grandchildren for my Mother to spoil.  I do not believe that pacing by the phone will hasten my Prince Charming's arrival.  I do believe that if he shows up in white armor on a white steed that I might don my army fatigues and supply the children with paintball guns and orders to fire at will.  I believe in lots of things

And if all else fails, there's gotta be someone for me out there because even JB got a girl to marry him.