Saturday, October 20, 2012

Happy Birthday

When I was little I would spend all year waiting for October to come around.  And then when October did come I'd mark down the days until my birthday.  My little heart would be filled with anticipation as I would gaze longingly at the calendar, willing time to go faster.  Then my birthday would come, I'd turn another year older, and inevitably something bad would happen.  Some years it was something little- like no one would come to my birthday party.  Other years it was something big like someone would throw up on me (this one happened a lot.)  

Then I grew up.  And things got worse.  On my fifteenth birthday I was evacuated in a storm of wildfire.  A girl I knew (a friend of a friend) died in the wildfire.  I got older and we found out about another friend that I hadn't seen in years, who was shot in a drive by shooting around my birthday.  We did the math and discovered that my birthday was the day that one of my friends was almost a SIDS victim.  Every time I turned around something was happening.  And then last October a college buddy passed away.  That one was the worst.  

This week was the one year anniversary of Jon's death.  I tried not to let that minor detail affect me but I almost burst into tears at several points throughout the day.  It was bad enough before when I was the only one suffering but when everyone was... I felt so displaced.  I wrote my poem on grief that I've been mulling over and over again in my head this week.  I remember that I felt guilty being alive when he wasn't.  Now I feel guilty feeling happy about anything because he is gone.  I felt even worse feeling sad because things could be so much worse.  And then today I had a revelation.  I shouldn't look at it as Jon's death day... so much as his second birthday... a birthday into heaven.  

Friday, October 12, 2012

The Ugly Girl's Lesson

I am no saint.  I live in and for the world as much as I endeavor to work towards the next.  Yet, every day that I spend being a dedicated member of society I am learning much about the world and things that I'd wish I never had to know.  

I went to the grocery store this week and literally every magazine cover boasted titles as "She got her body back after weight gain!" "New hot young stars!" and "How you can look like her!" (all of them had exclamation points) as they were graced with semi nude women in provocative poses.  I learned that it was direly necessary to sell a magazine centered around parenting, beautiful homes, and recipes.  


I was reading news articles online and I came across Jennifer Lopez wearing nothing but a strategically placed pair of Boxer's gloves.  The article boasted that this was to be an image of strength to women, because Boxers are supposed to be strong, however I came away learning that women had to be semi-nude to be noticed.  


I was watching one of my favorite television shows and the one girl who was the token virgin at her work place was classified (three seasons after she was spawned) as the one lone Christian.  An episode after they explain her reason for being sexually abstinent the writers have her lose her virginity, her mind, and her job in one week, stemming all from her crazy religious ideals.  I learned that religion, of any kind, if it does not allow for free, undiscriminating, non-committal sex (notice that I don't say "love") is offensive and outdated and should be portrayed as such.  

Watching the Olympics I discovered that one can sell everything from toothpaste to tennis shoes by dressing women in their underwear (or less) and putting it in a commercial.  I learned that I will never fit in if I do not wear as little as possible.  I have also learned that I don't want my reason for living to be confined to my youth.  

This could easily turn into a rant about the horribleness of the news media, the sad portrayal of any religious beliefs that don't allow for Hippy Free Love, and how sad the things are that actually make news, but really, I'd just like to ask some questions- Why don't they ever portray women taking the high ground?  Why don't they talk about women making good choices- where they don't put themselves into positions where they could be morally compromised?  Where they aren't valued only for their physical appearance and level of sexual appeal?  Why doesn't anyone show equality of decisions- that some people choose to sleep around and live with the consequences and that some people save themselves for marriage?  Why is my worth as a person only valued by what I can give- by my role as a sex object?  If society cannot respect our decisions (because I know that I am not alone in this) then why can't women like me at least be portrayed as something other than crazy?  

I have learned that it takes inner strength to be resistant to news, networks, society, and peer pressure to keep from being assimilated and lost in the crowd.  I've learned that saying "no" is hard for a few minutes but an infinitely better alternative than waking up with self-loathing.  I've learned that I make mistakes and that I have to pick myself some days to try again.  I've learned to avoid situations that would put me in a position where I might be weak.  I have learned that everyone has a choice and that my choice may be different than almost everyone I come in contact with, but that I should never be ashamed of it.  I've learned that I am not a stereotypical beauty but that I can make anyone laugh, even on their worst days.  I've learned I have so much more to give to the world than a flash in the pan physical beauty and that I want so much more from it than the short lived appreciation of my appearance.  

I don't know if this is a fair statement- the title I mean.  I may be quite pretty.  Then again I may be horridly ugly and I guess that is for others to decide, but really, should it matter?  The most important thing that I have learned is that I'd rather be ugly and unloved than loved for the wrong reasons.  As I said before, I'm not a saint.  I don't think I ever will be one... but I also know that we are all called to try.