Public Notice

It has come to my attention (again) that people don't know what to do with me.  I've lived in Texas for almost two years now (yay!) and during that time I have lived with my aunt and uncle (double yay!).  Now to clear up some of the misconceptions that seem to be circulating AT CHURCH of all places.
That's right, people I am not a secret daughter from my uncle's fictional previous marriage, or a lovechild of the 80's.  I am not my uncle's second wife (as a nice gentleman in Fort Stockton found out), and, more importantly, I am not LDS, LSD, Muslim, or Mormon.  I am not my uncle or my aunt's younger sister (okay, perhaps that one is reasonable.  If Tia had been born earlier in the lineup of the ten children family she comes from, I very well might have been.  And my uncle has siblings younger than I am... five of them actually, but I digress.)
As one unlucky church lady found out this morning, I am not the mother of my three Ukrainian children and I did not move in with my aunt and uncle so that they could have a stable influence in their lives (yes, because I'm so wild!)  I'm twenty-three.  I have a bachelor's degree.  I am finishing up a Texas Teaching Certificate that I may or may not use.  I do not have a boyfriend, fiance, or husband, and to the best of my knowledge I am not prepping to enter a convent.  I do not have any children, biological, adopted, or surrogate.  I frequently take five of my younger cousins, age 10, 8, 7, 6, and 4 to Mass with me.  When they are not with me they are with both their parents, not their long absent father.  It would be impossible for me to be the mother of the first two and illegal for me to be the mother of the next one.  I suppose in all technicality I could have given birth to the youngest two but the likelihood of me have a four-year-old or a six-year-old is somewhere between "a snowballs chance in hell" and my cat spontaneously combusting into a chartreuse cashmere, life-size model of Yankee Stadium.  In other words- no.
I love the kids all greatly and they are mine... but in the "I love you because you are my family" way, not that "I love you because I went through labor with you" way.  For the record, their mother did not go through the conventional labor with the youngest three either... she went through a different kind of labor.  I sometimes spoil them (okay, I usually spoil them) and occasionally they misbehave but that's because they are kids... and not because I am an ill-fit teenage mother (well I would be a bad parent right now but that's more because I'm not married than my alleged drug addiction and rampant party ways.)
There now, I just have to post this in the Church bulletin... and wear it on my persons at all times and THEN maybe people might stop guessing during Mass.  Gosh, Father really needs to spice up his sermons...
Sincerely,
The Gabbie Lady

I didn't give Santa cookies

Why do we give Santa milk and cookies?  I realize that most children love these things (and therefore would understand the joy of sharing one of their favorite things) but really?  Who ever thought it was such a hot idea to stuff an already overweight, elderly, white male who is riding around the world, directing a sleigh pulled by reindeer with MORE sugar?  More than likely the sugar will either a) push him into diabetic shock, or b) induce a sugar coma, or c) put him to sleep which might be a danger given that he's FLYING.  (I'm personally rooting for the sugar coma myself.)  Instead here are some alternative suggestions of what people should leave for Santa that he might enjoy more.  

1.)  Cheese.  It's healthy, it has protein, and according to one commercial, it gets you better loot than any stinkin cookies.  

2.)  Carrots.  He should be on a diet anyways and even if he doesn't like them, I'm sure Rudolph and the other reindeer will, and that's gotta go somewhere with him.  

3.)  Monster energy drink.  They guy has been cramming for this trip for months and then is up for a solid twenty-four hours delivering all the presents and goodies.  I'm sure anyone in that situation needs something to keep him awake.  

4.)  Pesto.  It's not just for the Italians and quite honestly it's good on anything, including (but not limited to) a spoon.  If someone served me pesto I'm sure I'd come back over and over again... even just to look for scraps.  

5.)  Chocolate.  Okay maybe that's not the best idea given that we nixed the cookies because of the sugar but really- it's a comfort food and if nothing else I'm sure Santa could bring it back to Mrs. Claus in order to get back into her good graces, so really, this is in his best interest.  

6.)  Heating pad.  It's cold in that sleigh... it's cold everywhere tonight.  I might even consider leaving Santa a heating blanket, space heater, and thermal underwear, just to be on the safe side.  That's all we need but to have to call the fire department because Deyet Norose (Russian Santa Claus) froze to our chimney.  

7.)  A nice cold beer.  Taken directly from a Calvin and Hobbes comic book.  Given his body mass I'm sure old Saint Nick is not a light weight but just the same I'd encourage leaving a note that encourage him to wait until he is safely in his own home before enjoying his cold beverage of choice.  

8.)  BLT sandwich.  Admit it, after a long journey a real meal (not just dessert) is really helpful to keep you moving and I'm sure Santa feels the same way.  

9.)  Coffee.  See number 3.  Same concept- fewer cavities.  Actually, given how long he's been up, perhaps an espresso machine would be more in order.  

10.)  Jim.  Okay, maybe he wouldn't want my cat but I would sure love to give Santa Clause my cat- I'd even be willing to bribe him to do it.  

11.)  Vacuum Cleaner.  You know, to clean up all the ashy footprints he tracks everywhere.  

12.)  I actually don't remember what I was going to put here, and since it is late I think I'll just post this, and when I remember (because I always do) I'll post it in comments.  Merry Christmas to all... and Feliz Navidad to everyone else.  God bless and peace be your footprints.  

A million pairs of flip flops

We try to encourage a sense of thankfulness in this household.  In order to make it fun and more tactile we put them on colored post its that change shape with the season.  For spring we had flowers and butterflies.  For summer we had Suns and for Autumn we have apples.  I just found an old sheet of gratitude's or blessings and thought I'd share them because they make me happy.  I'll include the age of the kids who added them.


1) A love of history
2) Coffee
3) Ancient Egypt -8
4) Fun books -8
5) For my Calvin and Hobbes book which I am reading right now -4
6) Cars II -7
7) Star Wars Wii -5

8) Sleep-10 Oh yes, she's growing.  
9) Big cars
10) Notebooks and paper
11) Finn McMissile -8
12) Cars 1 -4.  We like Pixar movies here.  
13) Letters from my goddaddy -7.  Unfortunately for 7, his godparents live just close enough that we can visit them but just far enough that it is infrequent.  He lives for those letters and enjoys them greatly, showing them off to EVERYONE for a week.  
14) My pink water bottle -5
15) Little play school kits -10
16) Traffic and the patience it provides
17) My godbabies
18) For Rose -8
19) For my big Pinky -4  She has two pink bunnies- the bigger is called "Big Pinky" and the smaller is called "Little Pinky".
20) The three butterflies -7 At the time we were raising five chrysalis from caterpillars to butterfly and when we had left that morning there were still only three butterflies who had emerged.  We returned home a few hours later to find the last two coming out.  
21) Air conditioning and fans -7
22) For my favorite color- pink- 5
23) Whipped Cream- 10 She had just snitched it from my coffee.
24) Tender compassions of our God
25) For little boys
26) All museums that I have been to -8
27) The great play museum -4 Cause, ya know, we got to play there.
28) For tractors and Texas- 7.  I love little boys
29) Coming to live with Gabbie, Boo, Mama, Papa, and Bear. -5.  I would just like to point out that in this lineup, *I* came first.
30) "Our" Ukrainian Treasures. -10.  This was a running joke because we went to an exhibit on Ukraine entitled "Ukrainian Treasures".  
31) Purple semis and orange butterflies and pink roses.  All things that remind us that God loves us.  
32) A million pairs of flip-flops, some of which match.
33) Disney and my family. -8.  The order of this one amuses me.  
34) Animal and Princesses and presents- peace on earth. -4.  She is attempting to steal this from the Muppet Family Christmas
35) The letter "S" -7 This gratitude brought to you by Sesame Street.
36) for purple roses. -5
37) Weird cheeses. -10
38) Sage brush and chapparal.  I have no clue what that last word is.  
39)Cute Catholic Boys.  I would just like to point out that though this one is by me; it is a running joke.  I still think it's funny.  
40) Daddy and everything he does for us. -8 says the little boy who didn't have to help make dinner because Papa made it before we got home.
41) For all my owies.  -4.  For a child who is constantly plagued with scratches she has an unusual fondness for them.  
42) Toy Story characters -7
43) Jack, Bennie, and Aurora.  -5.  These are the names of our cars.
44) Archaeologists -10
45) Cellphones

Thoughts from the driver's seat

* I generally drive with small children in my car.  It's one of the reasons I love my car but it also inspires me to frequently question what the rest of the world is thinking.  I try my best to shield my chargers from harm- both physical, spiritual, and mental.  These are some of the things that have come to mind while I have been driving. *

Joggers, cyclists, and anyone who is in public sight should consider the following.  There are aesthetic as well as moral reasons to cover up.  I wish I had mind bleach so I could forget seeing what people insist on sharing.  

I hold grudges while driving- if you turtle back, break check, cut me off, road rage, or shove me over, I will attempt to think the best of you, praying that you are

a) rushing to your dying father's side.

b) your wife is in labor in the backseat... with triplets

c) your child is dying and you need to rush him to  the hospital

I will pray for you as best I can but keep in mind I will never like, support, or respect any of the kitchy bumper-stickers I see on your car.

Ambulances, rain, and ramps are a reason to slow down- not pass me on the shoulder at high speeds.  

If I recognize you as you do something to endanger my chargers or my car, expect to hear about it later.  If I meet you later you had better pray that I am not interviewing you for a job, house, or interview- it will not turn out in your favor as I remember faces and license plates very well when I'm angry.  

Speed limits are not a suggestion.  Neither are turn signals.  

I will laugh if you are pulled over by the cops because of speeding, driving recklessly, or you just failed to get off your phone long enough to realize you are being dangerous... and stupid... stupidly dangerous... dangerously stupid.  

I realize my car is not as big as most on the road in Texas where the most popular vehicle is a double cab, double wide, pickup, but just because I'm small does not make me invisible and if you get too close I will lay on the horn.  

If you have something emblazoned on your car and you wouldn't want your mother, your pastor, or God to read/see it, please don't.  There are a great many things I would prefer not to explain to small children in this lifetime.  

If I pass you while I'm driving, please don't take it as a personal affront on your driving- I'm probably trying to admire your sweet car from my rear view mirror.  

If you are in a car, stay on the road.  If you are not in a car, stay off the road.  

Sometimes everyone slowing down would induce you to believe that you should as well.  

I love Texas weather and the scenery in Austin; please don't ruin it for me by going crazy.  

Life isn't a video game and wild weather is not a boost to the next level.  Please be careful- I drive with small children.  

You may be ready to die, but I'm not- see previous thought bubble.  

If you are going twenty miles under the speed limit and there is not traffic, expect people to pass you and do not be offended.  You may only take offense if we fire snowballs and/or water pistols at you.  

Wildlife on the road require caution, not blaring of horns or speeding up.  The same finesse should be observed with accident scenes.  

If the sign says it, please do it.  They write the instructions down so that you can understand and be one with traffic rather than be one with the highway.