I didn't give Santa cookies

Why do we give Santa milk and cookies?  I realize that most children love these things (and therefore would understand the joy of sharing one of their favorite things) but really?  Who ever thought it was such a hot idea to stuff an already overweight, elderly, white male who is riding around the world, directing a sleigh pulled by reindeer with MORE sugar?  More than likely the sugar will either a) push him into diabetic shock, or b) induce a sugar coma, or c) put him to sleep which might be a danger given that he's FLYING.  (I'm personally rooting for the sugar coma myself.)  Instead here are some alternative suggestions of what people should leave for Santa that he might enjoy more.  

1.)  Cheese.  It's healthy, it has protein, and according to one commercial, it gets you better loot than any stinkin cookies.  

2.)  Carrots.  He should be on a diet anyways and even if he doesn't like them, I'm sure Rudolph and the other reindeer will, and that's gotta go somewhere with him.  

3.)  Monster energy drink.  They guy has been cramming for this trip for months and then is up for a solid twenty-four hours delivering all the presents and goodies.  I'm sure anyone in that situation needs something to keep him awake.  

4.)  Pesto.  It's not just for the Italians and quite honestly it's good on anything, including (but not limited to) a spoon.  If someone served me pesto I'm sure I'd come back over and over again... even just to look for scraps.  

5.)  Chocolate.  Okay maybe that's not the best idea given that we nixed the cookies because of the sugar but really- it's a comfort food and if nothing else I'm sure Santa could bring it back to Mrs. Claus in order to get back into her good graces, so really, this is in his best interest.  

6.)  Heating pad.  It's cold in that sleigh... it's cold everywhere tonight.  I might even consider leaving Santa a heating blanket, space heater, and thermal underwear, just to be on the safe side.  That's all we need but to have to call the fire department because Deyet Norose (Russian Santa Claus) froze to our chimney.  

7.)  A nice cold beer.  Taken directly from a Calvin and Hobbes comic book.  Given his body mass I'm sure old Saint Nick is not a light weight but just the same I'd encourage leaving a note that encourage him to wait until he is safely in his own home before enjoying his cold beverage of choice.  

8.)  BLT sandwich.  Admit it, after a long journey a real meal (not just dessert) is really helpful to keep you moving and I'm sure Santa feels the same way.  

9.)  Coffee.  See number 3.  Same concept- fewer cavities.  Actually, given how long he's been up, perhaps an espresso machine would be more in order.  

10.)  Jim.  Okay, maybe he wouldn't want my cat but I would sure love to give Santa Clause my cat- I'd even be willing to bribe him to do it.  

11.)  Vacuum Cleaner.  You know, to clean up all the ashy footprints he tracks everywhere.  

12.)  I actually don't remember what I was going to put here, and since it is late I think I'll just post this, and when I remember (because I always do) I'll post it in comments.  Merry Christmas to all... and Feliz Navidad to everyone else.  God bless and peace be your footprints.