Fearless

Six years ago I had a lot of weird phobias.  I was afraid of bugs.  I was afraid of reptiles and amphibians.  I was afraid of horses.  I was afraid of seminarians.  I was afraid of priests.  I was afraid of heights.  I was afraid of tall shoes.  I was afraid of shorts.  I was afraid of baggy anything.  I was afraid of loud noises, most especially vacuums.  I was afraid of all kinds of wildlife.  I was afraid of guns.  I was afraid of driving. I was afraid of sharp knives.  I was afraid of being in a car with certain drivers.  I was afraid of long road trips.  I was afraid of failing.  I was afraid of blending in.  I was afraid of standing out.  I was afraid of getting lost.  I was afraid of relationships and men and pretty much everything.  I can't say that any of my fears were deeply rooted in anything that had ever happened to me but where most people collected stamps or pins, I collected fears from others.  I told a friend in school that I was afraid of horses but terrified of men.  He smiled kindly and said he hoped I'd get over my fear of horses.  Another friend said at least all my fears were in my head.  Finally one of my roommates in college told me the best way to get over fears was to embrace them, and it was this advice that changed my life.

I will never forget the first time I caught my first frog- we both screamed when I touched him and I dropped him and he got away.  The next time I tried something smaller- slowly- I caught a gecko that had gotten into my room who was going to die at the hands of my roommate if I didn't rescue him.  Bugs, lizards, snakes, and frogs followed- some of which were more dangerous that I'd care to admit on a blog that my mother reads.  And all at once I was that 17-year-old freshman who was known for catching the creepy things that no one wanted to touch.  I made a 350 lb, 6'4" seminarian scream when I showed him a gecko I had caught.  After the fact he called me I was a strange girl.  My only response was to show him the gecko again.  Later a Junior girl asked me why I wasn't afraid oft he gecko.  With eyes wide open I stared back- was not being afraid anymore a weird thing?  And then I realized that I wasn't- I wasn't afraid anymore.  

Now I'm not afraid of very much.  I still don't care for horses or vacuums, but everything else I've sort of gotten over.  I guess it isn't fair to say that I am unafraid now- nor is it exactly honest to say that I am brave.  It's just that now I realize that there are more important things to worry about than what good or bad thing I might come across.  Now I embrace life.