The continued grumblings of an unimpressed young woman

Not to anyone else's surprise, curiosity killed the cat... and I read New Moon.  I admit, it was more of a last minute decision before the lengthy drive back out to California a few weeks ago, but it was either that or finish some of the other books I'm half way through.  And let's face it, it's much easier to go back to reading that after refocusing the five-year-old than Oliver by Charles Dickens or Northanger Abbey by Jane Austin.  And with this book I don't have to explain why I inexplicably busted up laughing (while everyone else is listening to Cedric Diggory die in J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire on tape) than with Good Omens.*


Anyways, back to New Moon.  Once again Stefanie Meyer has managed to spoil one of my favorite childhood phrases and turned it into something that I involuntarily cringe at the very mention of.  What's better is she has managed to further destroy my favorite genre (fantasy- I know some of you were thinking Romance) by bringing in alleged WEREWOLVES as well as VAMPIRES!  (Insert massive amounts of grumbling HERE!)  It is around here that I recognize that I am pushing my (probably) unsolicited advice onto an unwilling audience here.  I mean, who am I to foist my humble opinions about what I like in men off on the rest of the universe.  After all, it very well may be that I'm the weird, cause I like my men to be, you know, warm, have a pulse, cry less than me, be born the same century as me, not stare at me through my window while I sleep, to stick around, not put me more than average physical harm's way, be alive, not be constantly and inexplicably angsty, and most importantly, speak in normal, non-asthmatic sentences.  These are all my preferences and I'm sorry if anyone has differing desires in men.  Feel free to stop reading here.  And for the rest of you, feel free to hear the continued grumblings of an unimpressed young woman. 

!!!!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!


Now no one can be angry with me writing my synopsis.  (Insert self satisfied grin here.)  The story takes place immediately following the first book and covers Bella's 18th birthday, a day she sulks about because now she is officially "older" than her century old, eternally seventeen, vampire boyfriend.  She dreams that she turns into her grandmother while Edward is still seventeen.  After she wakes up she and Edward argue about their differing opinions concerning her becoming a vampire or not- in short he doesn't want her to be one.  For her birthday party, in which she tries to make all her friends miserable by forbidding them to actually celebrate, she goes to Edward's house and celebrates (without her family).  There she accidentally gets a paper cut which sends Edward's brother, Jasper into an uncontrollable rage.1  Edward has to step in to keep his brother from killing Bella and "accidentally" shoves her into a glass table, shattering it.2  This causes all of the rest of the vampire family to freak out and have to leave to control their blood lust, except for Carlisle who is a doctor and therefore is the only one who can control his carnivorous nature.  While she is getting sewn up she and Carlisle have a conversation as to why Edward does not want her to become a vampire.  Apparently Edward believes there is no heaven after vampire deaths because of their fallen nature.  He believes they lose their soul when they become vampires and Edward does not want that for Bella.  Carlisle disagrees with Edward because he believes that Edward is a good person and therefore there must be an afterlife for their kind because God would not allow such a good person to just not exist.  (I may disagree with most of the novels but I like Carlisle and not just because he is the only character that really discusses the possibility of God.)  


After they fix her all up Edward takes her home and as a parting birthday gift promises she will never see him again.  The reason?  Because he's finally realized that she might, possibly, maybe, probably, could be SAFER WITHOUT 'IM!!!! 


Bella handles it about as well as any teenage girl can be expected to handle... well, anything.  Several months pass (literally- we get a page labeled, "September", followed by "October", "November", "December", and "January") and Bella doesn't do much of anything.  Amazingly the story is just as interesting when she doesn't do anything.  Then her Dad, whom she respectfully addresses as "Charlie" suggests she get out and visit some of her "friends", i.e. those people who might possibly still want to see her in her zombie, lifeless form.  Rather than make friends again with the people who she goes to high school with she returns to LaPush, the local Indian reservation, and her childhood buddy, Jacob. 


Jacob is nursing a killer crush on Bella (as only mature little teenagers can do) and seems genuinely confused as to why she is still hung up on Edward.3 

I needed to reign in the enthusiasm before I gave him the wrong idea – it was just that it had been a long time since I’d felt so light and buoyant. (5.135)

Bella recognizes that he has a crush on her but isn't mature enough to set him straight.  She just uses him to feed her angstiness and to aid her in putting herself in dangerous situations which somehow spur Edward's voice in her head.  Methinks, ye young Bella is a loon. 

Halfway through the book the tables turn slightly and it is no longer Bella making Jacob miserable but Jacob making Bella miserable (doesn't this sound like a nice healthy relationship?) when Jacob transforms into a werewolf.  (Gee, didn't see that one coming with an angsty fantasy genre.)  Anyways, due to the complex and mystical inner workings of the tribe of werewolves, Jacob isn't allowed to actually tell Bella what has happened to him (sound familiar.  Stephenie Meyer needs to come up with an original semi-climax.)  Finally (after much angst) Jacob reminds Bella of a legend he told her about in Twilight but that he himself had dismissed as purely legend, a legend about vampires and werewolves.  Again, it was a real big "surprise."  Bella figures it out and Jacob is genuinely surprised that she doesn't run away screaming. 

Bella once again puts her life in danger (this time by jumping off a cliff) and Alice, Edward's future seeing sister, rushes back to Bella to see if she is really dead.  Here we find out the complicated issue of Alice not being able to "see" the wolves and that Edward (through an elaborate display of miscommunication 4.) Edward (being stupid) then decides that the best course of action would be to kill himself in solidarity with his love whom he dumped. (Again, nice healthy relationship, right?) 

Apparently it is rather difficult to commit suicide if you are a Vampire, and according to Edward, the best way to do this is to tick off the Volturi, and ancient race of elitist Vampires who are on no one's Christmas Card list.  Their primary goals in life- keeping vampiric existence a secret and eating people.  Edward goes on a suicide mission 5 but unfortunately for him, Alice sees his plans and wants to take Bella on a whirlwind trip across the globe to Italy (yes, Italy) to save Edward. 

Jacob stops Bella and begs her (yes, begs, down on his knees, near tears, emotionally, mind bleach scarring) not to go.  Yes, he may be selfish.  Yes, he may be dull.  Yes, he may be juvenile and more than a little angsty, but you gotta respect the guy for asking her to stay and not run into a (no holds barred) dangerous situation where she will more than likely die.  This is the part where I lose any respect I had for Bella because rather than respect the feelings of her family and friends who have stood by her after Edward abandoned her, she throws herself into the most dangerous predicament Stephenie Meyer could think of.  Bella doesn't even pretend that she cares what Jacob thinks.  Bella doesn't say goodbye to her Father.  She just goes. 

This is the part where I step back and ponder why people think that there is anything good  or redeemable about Bella Swan.  In fact I sometimes (okay, frequently) wonder if there is anyone nearly as bad at caring.  So they (Alice and Bella) fly to Italy, steal a very fancy car, and drive to where the Volturi (and Edward) have  been hiding out.  Jasper (who we remember is Alice's husband) calls and begs her that no matter what she will escape and return to him.  Alice promises but once she is off the phone she sighs that she does not like lying to him, which I took to imply that she would die, if necessary, trying to save Edward.  

Wouldn't you know it but it's a big party day (Saint Marcus day I think) and the entire city is jammed.  Alice bribes a few people to let them get closer but because she's a vampire she can't go out in the sunlight because *gasp* she might SPARKLE!!!6  Then Alice warns Bella that she needs to run and that they probably will both be dead by the morning.7  Anyways, danger does not frighten Bella like it should normal people (because their love is so powerful) and she rushes in.

Just in the nick- of- time, Bella rushes across the square- screaming at Edward who is oblivious8 and Bella literally bowls him over to get his attention.  Then we get to hear Edward's classic line of...

"Amazing, Carlisle was right.  You smell just exactly the same as always.  So maybe this is hell.  I don't care.  I'll take it."

I am in shock in awe how many Twilight readers asked what Edward meant.  Edward's idea of heaven was being with her so he assumed that if he was dead and he ended up in heaven then she must be there.  After slapping him a few times Bella reassures him that they are not dead... either of them and immediately the Volturi show up.  (Yeah for the bad guys!!!!  They bring more ANGST!!!!!)

It comes as a shock to the Volutri that a human (Bella) is in a relationship with a vampire( Edward) and that she knows all their secrets.  This is a potentially hazardous predicament as (again) they don't want Bella to live since she knows.  Edward immediately does his best Gollum impression (complete with the whole "my precioussssss" thang) and flips out.  They are all (Bella, Edward, and Alice) taken to the Volturi secret layer9 where Bella gets to meet all the head honchos.  In the middle of this where Edward and Alice are discussing their certain doom (because Bella knowsssss....) Bella gets all romantic (cause ya know, it's the perfect time for it) and thinks...

Happiness. It made the whole dying thing pretty bearable." (15.178)10

So Bella meets all three of the ancient vampires and their pets (i.e the vampires with special powers like telepatheticness, instant headache, anesthesia, etc.) where the pets try out their tricks on Bella.  Edward gets (understandably) upset and tries to intervene but they test him first.  Then they go to Bella but she doesn't give them the reaction they want- or any really (really, Meyer?  Really?) because Bella is immune to their powers.  (Pardon my giggling, it's hard to control.)  Anyways they let them go on the technicality that Edward intends to turn Bella at a later time (which Alice testifies to because she can see the future) and they leave Italy in a hurry, but not before Bella witnesses how the rest of the Vampire world eats.

Once clear of immediate and present danger Edward professes his undying love (pun intended) and they get back together.  Bella doesn't believe him (good girl) but eventually gives him (apparently it's hard to say no when Michelangelo's David is making out with you.)  Alice returns to Jasper where they have a very intimate moment by just gazing into each other's eyes (okay, I like Alice and Jasper too).  Rosalie apologizes and Edward bites her head off (not literally) and Bella is grounded.  Jacob promises that he will never forgive him and life returns to "normal" in the angsty, chaotic, dangerous world of Bella Swan.

*If you haven't read this book, neither have I.  I am not very far into it, but it's hilarious so far. 
1. "Oh no!  She might've gotten blood on the table cloth!!!"  Just a side thought... what happens when Bella gets her period? 
2. Honestly, was there nothing else in the room that might have NOT endangered her life.  I don't know, maybe a sofa, or three?  Or perhaps the piano.  That would have hurt but not so much as to cause a massive amount of blood to spill everywhere? 
3. It's the eyes- gotta love those bloodthirsty, watch you in the middle of the night, stalker eyes. 
4. One would think that being allegedly superior beings they could manage to actually say what they intended to say.

5. YEAH!!!!!

6. I'm sorry- that still makes me laugh... very, very hard.  The idea that they "sparkle" just sends me through West Hollywood flashbacks... or the Vegas strip.  Either way is sending me through fits of laughter.  Clearly Meyer does not recall that vampires are supposed to be scary *nods head emphatically*

7.  One could hope... but then... where would we get our life time dose of angstiness!!!! 

8.  Lalalalalalala- must commit public suicide because Bella must be dead- lalalalalalalala

9. So Bella can learn more of their deep dark secrets!!!!!

10. Forgive me for laughing... but happiness in my mind has nothing to do with painful, drawn out, leeching death.