The Best Man's Best Speech

I was in a wedding over Memorial Day weekend.  It was oodles of fun but the best part was the Best Man's Speech.  For the record, if I ever get married, this is what I want the best man speech to be based upon. (Names changed btw).

KP and Koshka,

We are all here, celebrating with you on this next step of your life together .... bleh, those speeches are so bland. And that is so not you two. Therefore, let’s move on to the important but subtle message that you have sent to us today. And that is that you scheduled your wedding on the International Holiday known the world over as Geek Pride Day.

Now I understand that mother church *and mothers in general* frown on using Star Trek uniforms in weddings, and I do understand that. But I was able to tie in your nuptials with this great holiday by requesting knowledge from some of the greats of the geek genres to guide you on the path of a successful marriage.

First off, Mr. Arthur Dent wishes to convey his happiness to you and reminds you that while there is a “Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy”, there is no “Hitchhiker's Guide to Marriage”. If there were, it would be 20,000 pages long, everyone would insist they had read it when they had done nothing more than read the back page, and it would be filled with far too many references to the Brady Bunch to be helpful. It would, however, have the best advice to offer married couples, written right on the cover in bright red friendly letters, stating simply “DON’T PANIC!”. Arthur also send along a matching set of towels.

Westley and Buttercup give you well-wishes for your “wuv, twoo wuv”. Princess Buttercup wants Koshka to know that despite many trials, (including, but not limited to Rodents of Unusual Size), true love will always win out. And Wesley would like to remind KP that even the Dread Pirate Roberts knows the best answer to anything your beloved says is “As you wish”, which, as we all know, is another way of saying “I love you”. They send a slightly burned giant sized cloak.

I got a message from a rather fashionable fellow a few minutes before the ceremony. “Hello”, he said, ”Passing through and wanted to extend all my best to the lovely couple.” I did not recognize him, so I asked for his name. He replied “The Doctor” as he adjusted his bow tie. “Anyways, please let the bride and groom know I am thinking about them, and to remind them that marriage is like planning to travel across the universe. There’s a lot of things you need, you see. Warp drive… wormhole refractors… But the thing you need most of all is a hand to hold.” He said he’d leave “something blue” for you in the future ... if he remembers.

I got some message here from someone from Fruit’s Basket, but it was in Japanese. When I used Google to translate the message, it just looked like they were shouting random words! This is why I don’t read manga...

I have a note here, from a Mr. Bilbo Baggins, Esquire. It reads, “Greetings and congratulations on your wedding festivities! Truly, the road will go ever on and on for you! Be sure to have a good breakfast every morning, for you never know what adventure might lay outside your door!” He sends along a tea service for 15.

Mr. Harry Potter extends his heartfelt congratulations to the both of you, and reminds you that a parents’ love for each other is only exceeded by their love for their children. In lieu of a gift, Mr. Potter’s expecting to send an owl to your household in about 11 years.

Uncle Ben Parker wanted to remind you that with “great power comes great responsibility”. He doesn’t expect you to develop any amazing “new found powers” (or as Sal would call it, N.F.P.)  excepting for Kat’s supernatural ability to fit into our family so well, and KP’s ability to master so many musical instruments. And yet the grace that you receive through this sacrament should be a source of power for both of you in the years to come.

Finally, we have the indispensable wisdom of Captain Malcolm Reynolds, who sent along two brown coats. He also wishes to remind you that your marriage will be like a ship sailing among the stars, and the thing that keeps the ship afloat is love. “Love is indispensable. You can learn all the math in the 'Verse, but you take a boat in the air without love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turning of the worlds. Love keeps you in the air when you oughta fall down, tells you there’s a hurt 'fore it keens. It’ll make you two a home.”

KP and Koshka, may the ship of your marriage be a place of joy and love for you, your family and friends for years to come. May God bless you always!